Is Their Erectile Disfunction (Impotence) My Fault?

Dear Insideman,

I am a middle-aged rather frumpy housewife. I have a really high libido and a husband who wants to swing. I've gone on "craigslist" and met with a few guys for NSA casual sex. (Looking for some FWB-type relationships.) We email back and forth and if we connect that way, we meet for coffee or lunch, and if conversation is easy and attraction is there, we meet for sex. This has been going on for several months and I've met with 4 guys in all. (Yes, I use protection every time!) The last 3 however, when we got down to it, could not maintain erections. At first I just figured it happens some times. I've noticed guys put a lot of pressure on themselves to perform, and it seems they're being given the message in our society that they're responsible for my orgasm as well as their own. I don't subscribe to that. I make it clear my goal is that we just enjoy one another and our own bodies and that we go away feeling better about ourselves and the world around us. I ask what they like and try to make sure they get it and I let them know what I enjoy. They all come through and I clearly indicate I'm appreciating it.

Since it's been the last 3 out of 3 (ages 31-49) who haven't been able to stay erect, though, is it me? Am I coming on too boldly? I worry that even though they've seen me dressed, they may be turned off by what I look like undressed. Is that likely? I'm just not understanding why it's happening. I know they go away not feeling great about it, although I keep it light and make sure they understand it just happens sometimes for everyone. And they've all contacted me to get together again. But I'm beginning to feel insecure about my own attractiveness. Should I? I guess I'm just pretty clueless.

Cindy W.

Dear Cindy:

A lot of people will tell you a lot of different things about why men might lose an erection, and most of them (including many doctors) would give you incomplete answers due to attempts to narrow things down to a single cause.

My answer is a bit different because I maintain that there are many factors influencing a man's ability to maintain an erection and when enough of the factors add up one way or the other, it's the combination that determines the outcome.

Factors which contribute or detract to erectile function:

Physical Factors

• Cardio-Pulmonary Health (Layman's terminology = wind or endurance)
• Circulatory Health (How well blood flows to extremities, poorer in diabetics)

Psychological Factors

• Long Term: History of Sexual Trauma
• Long Term: Critical Previous Lovers / Self-Worth Issues
• Short Term: Turn-On or Lack Of It
• Distractions: (Noise, Guilt, Poorly-Fitted Condoms)

Psycho-Spiritual Factors

• Inappropriate Partnering (size, personality or energetic differences)
• Lack Of Genital-Heart Circuit (Matters more with age)
  
• Perpetration Karma (When cheating or revenge sex backfires)
  

As you can see, even when we merely touch on the factors without going into them in depth, 9 different categories of factors can come into play. At least half of the factors are things you can do nothing about.

However, let's focus on what you CAN do something about:

• You can be more particular about selecting appropriate matches. As a result of studying Ipsalu Tantra, I have learned to recognize the difference between a poor energetic match and a rare one.
• You can seek partners where you feel not only a sexual connection, but a heart connection as well.
• You can make sure your prospective partners are not trying to "get one over" on someone else
• You can set the environment to be conducive to an erotic experience (a "goddess temple")
• You can make sure you are well-supplied with toys, lubes and a variety of condoms. (Many men choose condoms which fit too tightly at the head, and this cuts sensation, thus killing erection)

Does this answer your question?